The Real Reason You Keep Ending Up in Toxic Cycles

We kicked off the conversation by examining why so many of us end up repeating painful relationship patterns—despite our best efforts. Dr. Nima explained how trauma bonds often form between those with anxious and avoidant attachment styles—a push-pull dynamic that’s easily mistaken for chemistry or passion.

Here’s the truth:

You're not broken for wanting love.

But your nervous system might be chasing familiarity—not actual safety.

Understanding this distinction is the first step toward interrupting unconscious cycles and choosing relationships that are healthy, grounded, and reciprocal.

The Myth of Empath

We explored the popular identity of the “empath”—often seen as someone deeply intuitive and emotionally intelligent. But what if that heightened attunement to others isn’t a spiritual gift, but a nervous system adaptation?

According to Dr. Nima, what many of us call empathy is actually hypervigilance—a result of growing up in an environment where tuning into others’ moods and needs was necessary for emotional survival.

This reframe doesn’t invalidate your experience—it deepens your understanding of it. It invites compassion for the parts of you that have been working so hard to feel safe and loved, even if it meant abandoning yourself in the process.

People Pleasing As Covert Narcissism

Then came one of the most jaw-dropping truths of the episode:

“People pleasing is often manipulation dressed up as kindness.”

Let that sink in.

It’s not a judgment—it’s a compassionate call to radical self-honesty.
When we people please, we’re not just being “nice.” We’re often trying to manage how others perceive us in order to avoid rejection, conflict, or abandonment.

This behavior is rooted in fear—not love.
 

And only when we name it can we begin to shift it.

Healing starts with reclaiming our right to be authentic, not just agreeable.

Healing Means Individuation

Perhaps one of the most liberating takeaways from this conversation was Dr. Nima’s insight on healing:

“Healing doesn’t mean cutting off your partner. It means cutting off your trauma bond.”

In other words, it’s not always about ending the relationship—it’s about ending the enmeshment.

You don’t heal by trying to fix or change others—you heal by separating your identity from the pain of your past.

Individuation is the process of becoming who you truly are—beyond survival patterns, beyond roles, beyond codependency.

When you shift the relationship you have with yourself, all your other relationships change, too.